Mother-Daughter Team Collaborate on Alzheimer’s Caregiving Guide “If Only You Would Ask: A Guide to Spending Quality Time with the Elderly”

Sometimes questions about ‘food’ or ‘vacations’ or ‘school days’ will ignite a memory, creating a source of comfort and delight

For five years, Joan Berger Bachman and her 92-year-old mother, Eileen Opatz Berger teamed up to write, If Only You Would Ask, A Guide to Spending Quality Conversation with the Elderly. This easy-to- use book is a conversational resource, a manual and a tool for all those who struggle to carry on meaningful, enjoyable conversations. How did this book come about?

Here’s Joan’s Story:

When my father-in-law Bill was nearing the end of his life, I would visit him quite regularly. He had made the decision to stay in his own home until the end. Winters in Minnesota are long, cold and lonely, especially for someone who is afraid and/or unable to venture out. Being the dutiful daughter-in-law that I was, I felt compelled to make the 100-mile drive from Rochester to St. Paul to visit him. We would sit at his kitchen table, and I would tell him about what the kids were up to… and what I had been doing. His major topic of conversation was the rabbits he saw as he stared for hours out the back window of his house.

During this time, I shared with my mother how difficult visits with Bill were becoming. He had so little to share, and I wondered if the visits even mattered.

Not long after, Mom gave me a notebook filled with a list of questions. She suggested I try asking Bill some of these questions to make our visits more enjoyable. “Leave it on the counter,” she advised. “The grandchildren might appreciate using the questions.”  I took the notebook over to Bill’s house and meant to get started the next time we visited. Unfortunately, that was the last time I spoke with Bill. And now he is gone, and so many questions remain unanswered.

If Only U would AskMom’s notebook filled with questions became the inspiration for If Only You Would Ask: A Guide to Spending Quality Time with the Elderly. Not long after Bill died, when Mom and I were together, we talked about Bill’s last months.  We figured there must be thousands of elderly people, just like Bill, who would enjoy sharing their stories, if only someone asked them the right questions.

Initially, If Only You Would Ask was written as an enjoyable resource for anyone who spends time with the elderly, be they adult children, grandchildren, friends, clergy, therapists, volunteers and/or caregivers.  What we have learned, however, is that this resource has great potential as a way to encourage enjoyable “trips down memory lane” with those suffering from Alzheimer’s and dementia.   Some people with Alzheimer’s preserve their long-term memory. Consequently, they enjoy sharing stories from their past even though they might not recollect these conversations in the short term.  Sometimes questions about “food” or “vacations” or “school days” will ignite a memory, creating a source of comfort and delight! All of the questions in If Only You Would Ask are open-ended. There are no right answers. People who struggle with memory loss will not experience the stress related to questions which require a specific response.

With 42 topics and over 400 questions, If Only You Would Ask provides a framework for tapping into memories that may not have been thought about or talked about for years! Since its release in late December, 2018, If Only You Would Ask has been featured on Mayo Clinic Radio and was one of the winners for innovative products at the 2018 National Caregiving Conference in Chicago.   If Only You Would Ask has transformed conversations for many families. In fact, they look forward to their next visits!   

Every person has stories to share, If Only You Would Ask!

Purchase  If Only You Would Ask

IMG_3363About the Authors

Joan Berger Bachman is extremely pleased and proud to be coauthoring a book with her mom. As a teenager, Joan recalls her mother’s advice: “When you are in a social situation, always make an effort to ask each person three questions. This shows that you are interested in what they have to say….” In other words, give people the opportunity to talk about themselves. Generally, people are pleased to share, and you will have deflected the attention from yourself. So, it comes as no real surprise that four decades later, she has coauthored a book filled with questions to promote quality conversations. Joan resides with her husband John in Rochester, Minnesota. Proud mother of three grown children and grandmother to six, she is grateful for family, for health, and for friends who continue to enrich her life.

Eileen Opatz Berger graduated from the College of St. Benedict and the University of Wisconsin/River Falls. Presently she teaches English as a second language. In addition to her five children and their families, her foreign students have been the joy of her life. Favorite pastimes include travel, writing and tennis. She lives in White Bear Lake, Minnesota.  

For more information about If Only You Would Ask please visit  the book’s website and  the YouTube video produced by the Mayo Clinic, Rochester Minnesota.

For more vetted books about Alzheimer’s and dementia please visit the AlzAuthors Bookstore. Reposted with permission frm AlzAuthors.

AlzAuthor Daniel Kenner Shares How He Used an Oral History Project to Preserve His Parents’ Life Stories & Legacies

Kenner, Daniel

By Daniel Kenner

After many long months of exhaustive family struggles, cognitive and behavior changes, and a lengthy process of medical evaluations and tests, my dad, Buddy, received the devastating diagnosis of Frontotemporal Lobe Dementia (FTD). It was Valentine’s Day, 2013. FTD is a rare neurological disease that affects personality and social behavior, speech and language comprehension, and executive functions involved in reasoning, decision-making, and planning. Never to be outdone, my mom, Maureen, always the fierce competitor, was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer only four months later.

That year, my best friend’s parents died in a terrible plane crash and that sudden tragedy struck me in such a profound way. “I am going to lose my mother and my father,” I remember thinking, “but I still have time.” I don’t know which is worse: losing parents instantly or watching them slowly deteriorate, but I knew I wouldn’t squander the chance to say goodbye.

Dad was a natural storyteller, and through that he became my favorite story to tell. He was my hero. The highest compliment I can give of my dad was he had a son that idolized him. Everything he loved I was determined to love just as much or more: Bob Dylan, Lenny Bruce, Marlon Brando, absurdist theater, and the San Francisco 49ers. But dementia made him quiet and apathetic; he no longer expressed an interest in the things we used to do together. Continue reading

AlzAuthor Leah Stanley on Surviving Double Dementia Duty: A Story About Two Loved Ones Needing Care Simultaneously

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By Leah Stanley

I began writing Goodnight, Sweet: A Caregiver’s Long Goodbye in 2001. For me, committing the story to print was a cathartic experience following the deaths of my grandparents two years earlier. Edward Meade had battled an unspecified dementia while his wife Clara was afflicted with Alzheimer’s. As their designated caregiver, a role which I had gladly—and sorrowfully—taken on, I walked alongside them down that tedious road while loving, caring for, and protecting them.

Every afternoon when my then almost two-year-old son would go down for his nap, I would sit at my computer and write diligently, reliving the moments which, when put together, told the full story; I would laugh and I would cry as I remembered the decisions and recalled the words, reactions and facial expressions of those around me. I felt it was imperative that my experience as an Alzheimer’s/dementia caregiver not fade away with time, but that it be shared because I came to realize there were so many others following that same winding trail I’d walked, and I remembered how I was always encouraged when I could talk with someone who had been engulfed in a similar circumstance. I believe it’s one of the ways God designed us, being able to meet on the common ground of shared events. Continue reading

Krysten Lindsay Hager Writes Dementia -Themed Fiction for Young Adult Readers

Dating the It Guy Canva

By Krysten Lindsay Hager

I started writing Dating the It Guy as a romance between a high school girl and the popular senior son of a senator, but I also wanted to include a storyline of having the main character deal with her grandpa’s recent dementia diagnosis. My grandfather moved in with us when I was Emme’s age because he could no longer live on his own. I decided to write about it years later just to get it out. In fact the first time I read a section of it to my mother, she left the room because it was too much to deal with. It’s tough to look back at memories like that sometimes.

So I finished the book, but set it aside for a while. Then two years ago, there was a pitch contest online and I decided to see if there would be any interest in this story. My publisher said she’d be interested in seeing it. At that time I had only published middle grade novels with her and wasn’t sure she’d want a young adult novel from me—after all there are a lot of publishers who aren’t fond of genre hopping. I remember when I sent it to my publisher I mentioned I hoped that this book would help someone else. My publisher wrote, “have I told you I love your writing?” Continue reading

AlzAuthor Bobbi Carducci Offers Hope to Alzheimer’s & Dementia Caregivers in a New Anthology of Inspiring Stories

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By Bobbi Carducci

Caregivers very often become isolated as the needs of the one-in-care progress. Even well-intentioned family and friends begin to drift away, leaving caregivers wondering if anyone understands what their life has become.

I know that feeling very well. A caregiver for my father-in-law, Rodger, for seven years, I often felt as if the rest of the world had moved on to work and family life, believing my days were easy.

Some questioned how hard could it be to stay at home and cook his meals and take him to the doctor now and then. Surely I exaggerated the difficulty.    Continue reading

My Story “Mom’s Unexpected Birthday Guest” is Published in Chicken Soup for the Soul’s New Book “Mom Knows Best”

Marianne Sciucco with CS4S Mom Knows BestI’m proud and thrilled to announce that one of my stories was recently published in the new Chicken Soup for the Soul “Mom Knows Best.” It’s one of 101 heartfelt stories about life, love, and…  moms. The story, “Mom’s Unexpected Birthday Guest,” was inspired by my mom on the occasion of her 90th birthday party.

Mom loved birthday parties, especially her own, no matter how big or how small. The 90th was a big one, but, unfortunately, Mom had broken her hip and was laid up in rehab. We had to improvise to celebrate her special day, but in doing so something wonderful happened that made all the difference. Continue reading

From the AlzAuthors Blog: AlzAuthors Launches Its “Inspiration Collection” During Cruise Dementia Conference

AlzAuthors is thrilled to join a new cruise and conference designed for those living with early-stage Alzheimer’s, their caregivers, and their loved ones. The AlzAuthors Inspiration Collection: Extraordinary Books about Alzheimer’s and Dementia will sail to the Caribbean April 6-13 during the inaugural Connecting Circles of Care and Building Bridges of Hope Cruise & Conference, an empowering 7-day retreat experience that offers respite and education.

Lisa Chirico

“Our cruise and conference provide an opportunity for attendees to benefit from a wide range of programming created for their complex and stressful lives,” says Lisa Marie Chirico, Dementia Caregiver Cruise and Conference Producer. “Additionally, the tropical wonders and beauty of the Caribbean offer healing for both the body and the spirit, so it’s a perfect pairing.” Chirico was a full-time caregiver for her father, who had Alzheimer’s disease, and is passionate about supporting dementia caregivers and their families. She currently works as a Nursing Home Navigator Coach for clients experiencing long-term care at Nursinghomeology.com. Continue reading